Ha ha, you're blind!
I did something that is completely out of character last week. I took the bus. Yes, I hopped on the shame train as part of some twisted experiment to see how long it would take to get to school via public transportation and bicycle. To make a long bus ride story short, it took for fucking ever. The public transportation system in San Jose is total shit. If you are in any sort of hurry, you are better off walking or riding in a little red wagon being pulled by a dachshund to get to your destination. Not only is the little red wagon pulled by small dog option faster and less embarrassing than the bus, no smelly ass drunk old fuckers will sit down next to you in the wagon. No sir. This one old Mexican dude plopped down next to me on the bus, and I goddamn near bazooka-barfed on him. It smelled like he had been out drinking since about, ohh, lets say, 1963. Apparently he hadn't showered since Kennedy was shot, and had been having anal sex with damp llamas to add on to the already foul odor of an extremely drunk old man. Not that I don't get all smelly and drunk all the time, but at least I try not to sit next to sober people who can actually smell my foul aura.
The most interesting and totally hilarious moment on the bus ride was when these two blind people started talking to each other. Not that blind people talking in itself is funny, it was more of what they were saying. First off, they got on the bus at different times, so they were sitting right next to each other, totally unaware that their friend was sitting right beside them. The blind lady discovered her blind friend was sitting beside her when I touched her breasts and she yells out "is that you Neal, you frisky little bastard!" Ok, so I didn�t feel up the blind lady, although that would be pretty amusing. Anyway, her friend actually began talking to the bus driver when she recognized his voice. The funny part is, these two kept talking about how they "saw" someone or something the other day. "I just saw Bill." "I saw Karen." "I saw Owen sodomizing my guide dog." No, you didn't SEE shit. You are fucking blind!! If I was blind, I would probably try to avoid saying I "saw" shit altogether so people like me won't sit back and laugh every time I say I fucking saw something. Sometimes I think I am a little cruel.
Need sweet sweet revenge? Pull up the back seat of your enemies car and take a dump under it. They will never find the source of the smell. Works great on ex'es, teachers, and random people you want to torture.