Spam Rocks

2005-11-16 2:13 a.m. - previous / next

After getting about 300,000,000 of those fucking phishing emails that ask me to give my bank account number so they can deposit some ungodly amount of money in it, I have decided to fuck with one of them a bit.
We will soon see if anyone actually responds my utterly foul and smartassed request for more information. Of course I used a fake name and a single-purpose Yahoo! email account for this transaction. I don't want to take too many chances with this slimy fucker.
My email to the douche bag was as follows:

Hey Mike,
Thanks for letting me know about this awesome offer. I have been having a hell of a time supporting seven kids and a hearty heroin habit with no daddy around to make me some fucking money, so this sounds like the thing for me. I don't have to work to get the money, do I? I started working a few months ago to keep tar in my kit and to feed those rotten ass kids and I fucking hate it. I swear it smells like my pussy is just rotting off, and it kind of looks like it too, so I can't really work anymore.
Back to the money. So, how the fuck do I get it and how soon can we make this happen? I am in a bad way, so I could use the cash quick. It is too bad those dickheads had to die for us to get the dough, but hey, they're dead, so fuck them. Right? Right. Better that we can have some fun with it and I can stop selling my diseased ass to drunk frat boys. That would rock. I would just love to buy a mansion and an assload of top-notch dope. Fuck yea!!
Hey, by the way, do you know where I can sell seven good-for-nothing brats? You don't seem like the kind of guy that would, but you never know. You have to ask, I mean, I know you would if you had seven goddamn kids. Then again, in your drizzly shit-dump of a country you could probably sell them into sex slavery or hock their organs in a second. Man, you fuckers overseas got the life don't you?
And do we really have to slide 10% to those bitch-ass tsunami "victims"? Seriously, fuck them. I was done feeling sorry for those third-world turd burglars about 5 minutes after they went underwater. We would be doing them a favor by sending them our rich American household trash and abundant raw sewage, so why the fuck would we send them perfectly good money?
I might think about giving you my account number and all that if you drop the philanthropic bullshit.
If you would send me a picture of yourself and a lock of your hair, that would really help me trust you more. I prefer nudes and it would be great if you had a good, solid erection when you take the pic. It would really help me trust you. I mean, if you send me a picture of yourself naked sporting a raging hard on, you certainly would not fuck me over. Figuratively speaking anyway.

P.S. You will have to call until I answer or correspond through e-mail, because I sure as hell ain't wasting any money on international phone calls.

Hope to hear from you soon,

Barry McCockiner

If I get a response to this, I swear I will post it here just as soon as I am done laughing my ass off and typing up a thankful reply.
Wish me luck.

previous / next