A Giant Dildo Crushing the Sun

2005-02-23 1:26 a.m. - previous / next

Since it is way too late to be sitting here drinking wine, smoking cigarettes and rifling through the internet for something somewhat entertaining, I have decided to do something productive and update my poor, out of date blog. Since my last update, many interesting, important and possibly amusing things have happend in my life and in the world. Here is a short list to get things rolling:

1) Hunter S. Thompson Died, or rather blew his fucking brains out. He wants his ashes to be shot out of a cannon. Don't you wish you were that cool? You Do? Good. Step 1: Shoot yourself. Step 2: Be cool. Isn't that easy? Now DO IT.

2) Last night I threw an egg at some crazy, screaming crackhead bitch from my fifth-floor apartment. It was absolutley fucking hilarious. She starts screaming "egg!egg!," when she spots me and Holly laughing at her. After she screams at us for a moment, the crack takes hold and she resumes the screaming and throwing of the contents of her shopping cart all over the sidewalk. Don't you wish you were a crackhead? You do? Good. Step 1: Smoke crack. Step 2: Act like a crazy bitch pissing me off outside my window at 3 a.m. Step 3: Get hit with an egg. And die.

3) I finally finished all of my DUI related punishments, with the exception of paying off the big-screen TV price-like fine. Boy oh boy was all of that F-U-the fuck-N fun! The first thing I had to contend with was 12 weeks of group meetings and five two-hour "education" sessions. So, every thursday (which happens to be my favorite drinking night) I had to go to one of these worthless ass meetings. Mind you, these weren't exactly AA meetings. We basically sat in a circle for an hour and a half and talked about A) how drunk we got last weekend. B) How drunk we will get tonight or C) How shitty it is that we all got DUI's and what we are going to do so we don't get any more of 'em. The only deterrent these meetings provide was how much of a complete waste of fucking time they were. Oh, anf the $600 it costs to get in the program does not hurt much either. Nobody was exactly "reformed" by going to these meetings, but we all hated being there. Once again, not exactly AA, so nobody got up and fucking cried about how goddamn horrible it is to be an alcoholic or how they killed their family, mutilated their genitals, lost their jobs, woke up with a German Shepard, etc. because of alcohol. I most definitly would have shot myself and/or got kicked out of the program for making fun of people and encouraging them to drink if it were a pussy-ass sob fest like that. God, AA must suck. Then there was the education sessions. I am pretty sure if I spent two hours scratching my nuts or carefuly chewing on tinfoil, I would learn just as much as I did in those classes about the effects of alcohol and the concequences of drinking and driving. They pretty much just stuck a bunch of us unfortunate drunks in a room and made us watch hours of "20-20" re-runs tht had something to do with alcohol. They did have a lady come in and tell us the story of how her beautiful 16-year-old daughter was killed by a friend in a DUI accident. That made me want to cry. I had to try really hard not to sob a couple of times during her speech. And I REALLY had to go drink after that one. Sheesh. That was the only valuable part of the whole deal. Ok, So that sucked, right? It did not suck nearly as much as the weekend-work portion of my punishment did. I was lucky enough to be assigned 12 days of cleaning up fucking rubbish on the side of the freeway. The thought of walking into traffic moving at 80 mph was tempting, but I managed to contain myself. During this time we had to do some seriously fucked up shit. The worst of the worst was cleaning up a homeless encampment under the highway in South San Jose. Oh. My. Fucking. God. I have never seen so much filthy shit in my entire life. You would be hard pressed to find more garbage at the goddamn dump. These fuckhead junkies had been living under this freeway for five years, with out using a single cleaner or garbage bag. FUCK! Imagine if you just left all of the shit you throw away on the floor of your apartment and then pissed on it for five years. Gross? Uh, yea. That would be an incredible understatement. The bums were still there and I was tempted to hand them an orange vest and tell them to get to work cleaning their shit up. I also wanted to stab them with my pitchfork and shit on their faces, but once again I restrained myself. Sounds like fun right? Do you want to have fun? Awesome. Step 1: Drink as much as you can without barfing. no, go ahead and barf, just don't pass out. Step 2: Get in your car. Step 3: Drive like you do when playing "Grand Theft Auto" or just try to drive normally and see what happens. Passing out is now optional. Step four: Get arrested. Preferably you should crash and kill/maim/hurt someone when you do this, but just driving down the road may suffice. Holidays are the best time to complete step four.

4) The goddamn crackheads are being really lound right now and I am contemplating shooting one of them in the head. Fuck I hate this neighborhood. Want to hate where you live? Good. Step 1: Move to the Tenderloin district in San Francisco. Step 2: Hate it.

5) I got engaged! Yup, I asked holly to marry me, and she said yes. She was really drunk and she does not know it yet, but we will get married sometime soon. Just kidding, she knows, and it rocks. I love her so much. Sniff! Ok, Wanna get engaged to Holly? Too fucking bad, I already did. That means you have to fuck off and keep on having sex with your pet rabbit, and no, I don't know how hard it is to get your dick into a rabbit's ass, although I would like to see the video.

Ok, I am sure some other shit happened, but as you can tell by how short #5 was (even though it is the only really important event discussed here) my eyes are beginning to bleed from staring at the computer for so long and I want to go to sleep. Nighty night kids.

P.S. My gold membership expires in 15 days or something. I may or may not continue updating after it does. If you want me to keep going, please plead your case. I may or may not listen to you. Or you could renew my membership if you are feeling extra generous.

"There are enough world resources for everyone's need, but not for everyone's greed." - Some dude quoting Mahatma Gandhi.

And no, I am NOT a hippie I just thought it was cool. Bitches.

previous / next