It's Horoscope Time!

2005-04-01 1:15 a.m. - previous / next

I swear that I made all of these up. That should help explain why they are so stupid. And True.

Aries: (March 21�April 19)
This week you will finally find your calling. At first you will feel a bit uneasy about the profession that will soon allow you to comfortably retire, but as long as your parents are not into kiddy porn, easy street is just around the corner.

Taurus: (April. 20�May 20)
You will soon realize that you married the wrong woman. This revelation will not come to you while visiting your favorite Vietnamese massage parlor, but when your wife is biting off one of your testicles while you slumber.

Gemini: (May 21�June 21)
Get a bulletproof vest.

Cancer: (June 22�July 22)
The tinfoil is doing nothing to prevent them from stealing your thoughts. In order to protect yourself, you must chop off your grandmother�s dog�s head and store it in your freezer until the year 2012, when you will devour it at the summer family reunion.

Leo: (July 23�Aug. 22)
You will finally realize that someone very close to you is a homosexual and you will be very understanding. At that point you will also figure out why everyone calls you a fag.

Virgo: (Aug. 23�Sept. 22)
Your recent nasty streak of bad luck will finally end after a hobo breaks a bottle over your head and steals your butt virginity as you bleed to death.

Libra: (Sept. 23�Oct. 23)
After spending three hours scraping your favorite bong, you will suddenly get the urge to get of your lazy hippie ass, get a haircut and find meaningful employment.

Scorpio: (Oct. 24�Nov. 21)
No, she is not looking at you because she would like to sleep with you. She is looking at you because you just vomited in her purse.

Sagittarius: (Nov. 22�Dec. 21)
Today you will wake up and find that you are six hours late for work. This is because the stars of Cancer are in alignment with your moons, and because you drank a fifth of Jack Daniels to your head and fell asleep with your penis in a food processor.

Capricorn: (Dec. 22�Jan. 19)
Friends and family will belittle you and insist that you are making a mistake, but who is the one that is tied up, soaked with gasoline with a Glock 45 in their mouth? You soon find that it is not you who is about to die a horribly painful death and you liberally apply duct tape to their shit talking mouths.

Aquarius: (Jan. 20�Feb. 18)
After Years of pursuing your dreams in the face of adversity, you will finally order a burrito with extra guacamole even though it costs $.50 extra.

Pisces: (Feb. 19�March 20)
Love is in the cards for you this month. You will find the one you want to spend the rest of your life with as you rub sweet and sour pork all over your ass in the corner of the local adult video store.

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