Conclusion: Drinking can make you drunk.

2004-05-03 8:48 p.m. - previous / next

If there were a pool table somewhere in Arlette�s house on Saturday night, this would be my view of it. Owen passed out; 1:30 a.m., corner pocket. Good call chappie!

I haven�t the slightest clue what exactly got me so wonderfully fucked up Saturday. Sure, it could have been the 12 or 15 beers I drank, but I am not a fucking scientist, so who am I to say that a dozen beers might have a slight effect on my central nervous system. And you are not exactly Einstein either, so just go ahead and shut the fuck up right now, ok? Thanks.

In all reality, pouring 12 beers in your yapper can have a number of effects on a normal human being. Here is a list of these occasionally negative side effects I have compiled through years of sickening research:

1) Waking up UNDER your car.

2) Waking up in jail with Tim.

3) Beating up Tim.

4) Getting beat up by Tim.

5) None of you know who the fuck Tim is, but I don�t care. Fuck off.

6) Growing horns.

7) Smelling like a dead dog in a dumpster behind a Chinese food restaurant covered with vomit on a sweltering summer day.

8) Losing your butt-virginity.

9) Getting that trademark �puke-spatter� on your favorite pair of Vans.

10) Waking up with your car on your head: car being upside down and on fire.

11) Having ABSOLUTLEY no clue what you did the night before which results in #9:

12) Making those annoying �I don�t know what I did last night, but I am TOTALLY sorry,� calls at 11:30 am.

13) Being 4 hours late for work.

14) Hating life so badly once you get to work, that you consider chopping off one of your own fingers just so you can go home and sleep for the rest of the day.

15) Plugging up your bathroom sink with chunky stomach-soup.

Really, there are a number of totally retarded things that can happen when you drink too much, and we have all gotten that e-mail chain letter that lists them. The point is, a twelver usually does not put me on the fucking floor. It usually just makes me act like a retarded, horny 10-year old that knows a lot of dirty jokes.

Overall, who the fuck cares that I went out like a little bitch. I was 4 hours late for work, but apparently that is such a regular occurrence there that I still have my worthless ass job.

And, oh, yea, when I said, �please god just let me live through the day and I will never drink again,� I was totally lying. Again. If I had the chance I would do it all over again, only I would take some shots and barf in somebody�s shoes while they were sleeping to make it all worthwhile.

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